so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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