I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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