this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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