Umm I'm too high to move.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
