That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
