i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
