i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
