I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
