captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The beer is more important than you right now.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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