pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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