He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
