It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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