So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
