i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
