Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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