Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
