help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
