Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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