everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
