His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
