I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
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I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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