No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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