when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
In America we eat man semen.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
