u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We named our party play list daddy issues
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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