my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I want a musical about memes.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
