please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
