my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
