never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
