Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
