i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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