someone threw a dead crab at me
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
