I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
