I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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