There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
