Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
from now on my penis is your penis
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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