i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
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Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.