Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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