look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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