If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
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