someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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