I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
