My brain says no but my pants say off.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
