So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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