So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
