and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I am midnight drunk by noon
operation have a gay friend backfired
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
