anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
