i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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