Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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