I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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