Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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