you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
