Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
