i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
