No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
