I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
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Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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