I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
