in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
