I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
