i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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