Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
