no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
